Last evening I had a conversation with my cousin.As we talked casually the topic of discussion reached IT industry.
Here we had varied opinions.Myself being a software engineer had my own views whereas herself,being an HR in the same industry had other.
The clash of opinions resulted in a heated debate which continued for a very long time.But one thing which we both found common was the dual personalities we were living in.
Let me elaborate further to share the piece of my mind.
Though it has been almost 4 years for me in this industry but there have been many bitter lessons which I learnt and gradually as time passed there has been a drastic change in my nature and personality owing to them.
I had always believed in thinking from mind and acting from heart and was very happy & satisfied following this principle in life.But once I entered in corporate world,I got the culture shock which I had only heard but realized with passage of time.The rat race here to overrun others to rise high in the corporate ladder and prove yourself the best came as a shock to me, who always believed in “Honesty is the best polcy “,”Hard work always pays”, “Neki kar dariya mein daal” etc.
The actual meaning of “being professional” was not clear to me or rather misunderstood.
The biggest mistake I did was I mixed my professional and personal lives.No wonder,due to this imbalance both my professional and personal life suffered.
I realized that colleagues can be friends at max,but can rarely replace your true freinds and family.Similarly your family and friends can only sympathize with your office tensions but in the long run it will spoil the relationship and peace of mind.
I took lot of decisions from heart in my professional life and was eventually backstabbed and ditched.In the end I was left awestruck and numb.
As time progressed, even I didnot realize when I started living a dual life; a split personality to be precise.
I have made up a thumbrule not to discuss anything related to work beyond my office premises,I vomit out all the work related frustrations I
have in office itself( I don’t mind even abusing my company or boss since it gives immense peace of mind at last..lol)
I try to be as formal and calm as possible at work; though I crack jokes as and when required but try to keep a “professional ambience ” around me.I hate office politics but I realized that one should not run away from it rather refrain from doing it to others but at least one should know the art of selfdefence or else the sharks will eat away the small fishes like me( it happened often in the past).I discuss no personal stuff ,talking my future plans etc.which may affect my career in any way.
At the same time I never discuss anything about my work with friends and family,I even prevent my friends from doing so who start this conversation at our get togethers.
I become my childish best,the moment I leave office or with friends;joking ,laughing,playing pranks all along.This is real me.
There are plenty of other stuffs to discuss,talk ,laugh and enjoy about.I always answer “NO PROBLEMS” whenever my parents ask me how my office life is going on(it’s a worthy Lie 🙂 ),even though my manager or client may be sitting on top of my head and making my life hell- after all it’s my life and I should fight out the odds.
Why should I trouble my parents ? .
Ever since I have tried to balance my dual life,I have experienced some peace of mind.I am able to give attention to the things which are required at particular moment of time.It’s just like living in “now”
And whenever there is even a slight disbalance I am screwed up.
So coming to the discussion with my cousin,”This is how I have been living my life, but some how I get the feeling of guilt since I don’t feel the real me”I said.
“Ravindra, ditto with me.Even I do the same.This is the only way I can save my job and marriage…..”said my cousin.
The doorbell rang and her husband arrived from office,and so ended our conversation.
But it has kept me puzzled ever since.I am into introspection mode now just wondering whether it is right or wrong ? How much have I changed,is it really me I used to be ?
One thing is clear that I am not the only one who is living a dual personality , but is it really worth ?
Still searching for answers.Would like to hear from you,may be it can help me clear some confusion.